Behold: Stop the Presses! The Golden Moutza is at Hand. Nah!
By John Kass
August 9, 2022
As you read this, I expect to be quite relaxed, stretched out on an operating table in the arms of Morpheus, zonked out for shoulder surgery.
Hey, don’t bother me. I’m not your plaything. I’m not your toy. I’m in the hospital!
At least I won’t be fretting about missing my deadline for the Golden Moutza of the Month of July. I did miss it, didn’t I? Sorry. And it’s August now, isn’t it? Oops. Well, Moutza me. I deserve it. But please be gentle.
What have I missed so far? Oh, everything.
And just now the FBI has raided the home of former President Donald Trump. There is nothing funny about that. It is serious. It is unprecedented. It speaks to an unravelling in America, as the Justice Department has protected Biden Inc., and the Clintons, and buried the Hunter Laptop from hell, and the Biden family’s influence peddling operation in China and Ukraine, and the FBI has never come clean about the FBI’s role in the Russia Collusion hoax.
All this as we ripen into a Banana Republic and fall off the tree, with the public having little or no confidence in the corrupt corporate and highly partisan media. I’m getting ready for surgery so I’m going to wait until I know more and read the warrant, and think this through. I hope you do as well. And I hope for our country’s sake that the Biden Administration provides clear, credible and detailed answers soon.
But this is a Moutza column. And you know how this works. Readers find me on Facebook near the end of the month, limbering up the palms of their hands and nominating worthy Golden Moutza contenders to fight the Idiocracy. There will never be a shortage of idiots in the world. And even though some Greek socialists want to abandon the Moutza of our ancestors, we free Americans will never give it up. The human palm, the Moutza, is a symbol of defiance.
They’ll have to pry our palms from our cold, dead, palms or something like that. Whatever.
“Kamala’s too easy, Hunter’s too sleazy,” writes Mike Weible, “Putin’s too pushy, Biden’s too mushy. And Lori just makes me queasy.”
But Mike, this is the Moutza column, the people expect a Golden Moutza of the Month. Nominate somebody Michael. Cowboy up, dang it!
I’m too distracted. I had been scheduled for surgery to repair two torn rotator cuffs in my left shoulder. But it was cancelled. Now, as I type this, the hospital just called to clear me for surgery on Tuesday. They better give me lots of drugs.
Eventually though, it will hurt as people keep telling me, including the nice couple at the bar at JC’s Pub in McCook.
“Oh it’s gonna huurrrrt!” they said.
Yeah.
So why go through the pain?
Because your beloved correspondent, unfortunately saddled with the ridiculous fish-porn nickname of “Johnny Two Rods” must get this left shoulder fixed and go through rehab—so much fun! —to have the chance at some monster steelhead and salmon and trout on a fly rod.
No, it’s not soccer, I’m too old and fat for soccer. It’s fly fishing. At least it’s not golf.
And while under anesthesia, I won’t have to think about all the ruffiani and media gossips who’ve been weighing in, obsessed with our new home after the Tribune broke its big “investigative” story that we moved out to Northwest Indiana. I’ve heard a few on the radio. Some of these harpies sound like the old lady gossips from “The Music Man.”
“Pick-a-little-talk-a-little, pick-a-little-talk a little, cheep cheep cheep talk a lot pick a little more.”
I also hope the anesthesia is strong enough to block dreams of my former employer–“the paper” — and the Chicago Tribune Guild slandering me for daring to write about lefty billionaire George Soros and the woke non-prosecutor prosecutors he’s installed in Chicago and other crime-ridden towns. The Trib guild buzzed like flies over a garbage dumpster outside a butcher shop.
“Moutza to the Chicago Tribune Guild for dictating dirty tricks to weak-spined editors,” writes Tom Winike. “Trolling John Kass is a shabby scheme to silence criticism of Preckwinkle/Foxx/Soros regime. But it’s also about circulation. Tribune realizes that johnkassnews.com has cut into their subscription pie. They fear Kass as a Pied Piper leading thousands of readers into freedom from censorship. Nah!”
Some jacobin trolls want me to forget about it, others of the left are quite sensitive about Soros these days, since he himself bragged about funding his progressive prosecutor project and said he has “no intention” of stopping. A few trolls want me to shut up and take it.
I admit I’m growing weary of their cries, their tears, their shrieks of pain. And the whimpering.
Would a Golden Moutza end the whimpering of these boneless Soros trolls once and for all? (Askin’ for a friend).
Some want the Golden Moutza to go public health panic merchants.
“Anyone who is afraid of a disease called ‘Monkeypox,’ said Lisa Radville. “C’mon! Nah! This nurse says we need to stop the hysterical germ phobia.”
Yes, and as a germaphobe, I really don’t need people talking about CDC warnings on stopping transmission of the disease. For some reason, some call it Liberitchy. Don’t tell me why. I don’t want to know.
“I have to go with Whoopi Goldberg for saying (First Lady) Jill Biden is such a good doctor that she should be the surgeon general,” says Jennifer Zenda. “Apparently a doctorate in education qualifies you to be a medical doctor in Whoopi’s world. Nah Whoopie!”
What? Are you crazy? Please don’t provoke the flesh-eating harpies of “The View.” They can’t be stopped!!! Like Evil Supes.
“Mayor Lori ‘Leadfoot’ for not paying speeding, red-light tickets even in some school zones,” said Cathie Butler. “Fines for thee but not for me. Do as I say, not as I do. Need I say more? NAH!!”
According to CWB Chicago, she racks up tickets and the tickets go unpaid. Because she’s more important than the people? Good re-election strategy, not.
Some readers are upset with Portland schools for indoctrinating kids to become lgbtq activists.
“For the Golden Moutza, I nominate the so-called educators in charge of the public schools in Portland,” says George Nickas, “For turning their schools into laboratories for ridiculous social engineering. Those poor kids. NAH, PARTA, FEESAH ETHO Portland”
But can they read?
There are so many nominees they’re overwhelming me.
President Joe Biden and the Democrats plan on hiring 87,000 more IRS agents in the IRS Expansion Act. Will they call the 87,000 agents “Lerner’s Legions” in honor of another Democrat IRS hammer who targeted Republicans and never paid the price?
CNN’s crackerjack media critic Brian Stelter finally pronounced the Hunter Biden story to be a story more than a year after it was a story and CNN buried it, saying it was “Russian disinformation” when it wasn’t. Now it’s a story? Why are most “media critics” on the left, as are most film critics on the left.
Blow on it Stelter.
And Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky was made a fool by Senate Democrats, and Joe Manchin of West Virginia. Now Democrats think they’ll keep control of the Senate in November. McConnell might as well sail his ship of Establishment Republican fools to his island hideaway “Dupelandia” where the dupes play.
As the brilliant Kimberly A. Strassel of the Wall Street Journal writes, “The kinder commentators are noting that Republicans got ‘duped’ by their West Virginia buddy—but that’s unfair to dupes.”
But unlike McConnell or his perpetually whiny counterpart, Sen. Charles Schumer, D-Pagliacci, I am a river to my people.
Like Tom Winike, they demand the Golden Moutza be awarded to the Chicago Tribune and the Tribune Guild for their bad manners to one who served them faithfully and well for 40 years.
“The Chicago Tribune for their snarky article on people living in NW Indiana,” writes Jim Tilson. “Feesah etho! (Blow on it right here!”
“The Chicago Tribune,” insisted Denise Harmantas Mikkelsen. “NAH! (Take them)”
Tribune? Tribune Guild? You defamed me and yet you wonder why you’ve lost subscribers? Readers subscribe to johnkassnews.com
You ever wonder why? You forgot journalism and became political operatives.
Just lift your faces to the light. Behold your great prize. The Golden Moutza of the Month.
I’ve got drugs to take. I’ve got surgery. I’ve written columns about this, and others have written about this. too.
And now I’m done with you.
I don’t want to mention you again. After what you’ve done, you disgust me. And I’m done. I hope to have written my last words about your nonsense. Just leave me and my family alone.
Just go away.
But first, Feesah Etho. You know how to Feesah, don’t you?
Nah!
